


An Elaborate Plan

by HealthKitt



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: F/M, Fake Dating, Hi-jinks, Obey Me MC: Ari, POV First Person, RAD Exchange Program, Remember that idol that was offhandedly mentioned in a group chat?, and satan lies because he's satan, are exclamation points okay in a tag? I don't even know, ari thinks 'of course' a LOT, cursing, elaborate but ultimately stupid plans for fun, i swear that's her problem not mine, in which mammon lies for money, mostly zany fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21959785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HealthKitt/pseuds/HealthKitt
Summary: The main character is dragged into some wild hi-jinks when Levi sees a Devilgram post with Mammon in it - with a pop idol?! Clearly, the only solution is for the main character and Satan to fake-date. Somehow.
Relationships: Mammon/MC
Comments: 10
Kudos: 214





	An Elaborate Plan

Though I've been in the RAD Exchange Program for a few months now, the time hasn't done anything to make talking to Lucifer feel anything less like a lecture.  
Probably because it usually is a lecture.  
"Ari," He spoke in low tones as I poured tea from the kettle, "I appreciate your cooperation in joining me today." He made it sound like I'd been arrested and brought in for interrogation. Of course, getting any of his siblings here probably felt like he needed handcuffs to bring them in...But why me? Did he know about the thing with the fire?  
I could blame Mammon for that, probably (he'd do the same to me, after all) but if this was about something else, I couldn't risk giving away information Lucifer didn't have. After all, Mammon would take me down with him, too.  
"Did you want to talk about anything in particular?" I tried to keep my tone neutral.  
Lucifer arched a brow but didn't look terribly surprised. "You're supposed to stop pouring the tea when the cup is filled, are you not?" He asked.  
"Wh-" Oh, I was pouring tea all over the table now. Great. I'm so good at this. I set down the teapot with a flustered apology and began to search about for something to sop up the hot liquid before it ran over the edge onto the floor, but Lucifer raised a hand to still me.  
"You're very nervous," He observed, "And I expect to hear why later. But first, there's a more pressing matter at hand."  
He placed his elbows on the table and steepled his fingers, gaze intently focused on mine. "What do you know about Solomon's origins?"  
"Uh-" Wasn't the tea seeping into his sleeves? I glanced down at them, then back up to him. "Isn't that kind of hot...?"  
He kept an eyebrow raised, this time with his head tilted slightly back so that he could look down on me even while we were sitting.  
"Okay," I shrugged, "If you're really okay, but I don't really know anything about Solomon besides, you know, that he has a lot of pacts. And, you know, the whole magic...Thing." I squirmed in my seat. "Am I supposed to know something?"  
Lucifer closed his eyes in contemplation - or was that relief? "I see. No, you've done well."  
There was a silence long enough that I began to nervously tap my fingers on the edge of the table. There was still tea in the cups, but no room for sugar or milk. I couldn't really pretend I was going to doctor that up without making more of a mess...  
Lucifer cleared his throat, snapping my attention back to him. "Now, Ari...You wouldn't happen to know why the front hall coat closet was on fire this morning, would you?"  
Oh no. I absolutely did.  
"ARI!" The door to the sitting room burst open and through it, Leviathan. He was clutching the doorframe like he clutched his desk whenever one of his brothers tried to drag him away from a raid. "It's an emergency!"  
Knowing these brothers, it probably wasn't, but me escaping sure was, so I'd take it!  
"An emergency! Oh no, have to go!" I began to climb over the back of my chair. "Sorry, Luci! Bye!"  
"Ari. The tea?" Lucifer still had his brow raised. Was it really raised, or was it just like that?  
"Oh, right!" Rude not to finish it, I thought. I grabbed my cup and knocked it back, then reeled. "Hot! Still hot!" And unsweetened, and...He'd clearly been reminding me that I needed to clean it up. My face was burning from embarrassment and my tongue was burning from...Well, burns. There was no collecting my dignity after that.  
"Bye!" I said instead, and put the cup down in my chair. Then I grabbed Levi's hand and dragged him out into the hallway.  
Before the door closed behind us, I heard Lucifer let out a world-weary sigh. 

\---

"Whew. Thanks for the save, Levi." I ran a hand through my hair, then shuddered; my fingers were still damp from tea. Not only was _that_ part cold, because of course it was, but now my hair was going to smell like tea.  
"Yeah, whatever." Levi didn't care about me being thrown to the wolf that was his eldest brother in the slightest. He shoved his phone in my face. "Do you see this?!"  
"Uh...I can't see anything else, Levi." I tried to lean back away from it to look at the screen itself, but everything was all bright for a few seconds. "Jeez, what do you keep your brightness on..?"  
"How did this even happen?!" Have Levi heard me at all? Probably not. "This is so unfair!" Ever the Avatar of Envy.  
At least I knew he was acting like himself, so this was probably a normal problem. It was when the brothers were nonchalant that I needed to be worried, I'd learned. Or when there was a giant animal trying to eat us. Whichever.  
"Is the convention sold out?" I guessed. I don't even know if there's a convention in town, but I bet Levi does.  
"No," He scoffed. "I buy my tickets in advance, online. Obviously. This is way worse! Have you seen Mammon today?"  
"Oh." Were we just going to have this whole conversation in a hallway? Okay. "Yeah, he was in my room this morning. He woke me up to cancel our plans and brag about some modeling gig or something...But I was half asleep. At least, I think he did." I also vaguely remember the ghost of a beautiful woman holding my hand and saying something about a sandwich truck, but I didn't mention that part. I'm just not much of a morning person.  
Come to think of it, neither is Mammon.  
"Yeah, well, he lied!" Levi huffed.  
"What? Mammon lied?" I didn't even need to make it sound sarcastic to get the point across. Mammon lied all the time...  
But not usually to get out of plans with me, especially when I'd offered to pay for lunch.  
Maybe something was wrong.  
Levi tried to shove his phone at me again, but this time I caught his hand and gently guided it away to get a look at the screen.  
Devilgram.  
"Hey, isn't that kind of like if the human world had something called 'Humangram'?" I asked. "...It just looks like a picture of Mammon."  
"And you think I'd be on _his_ profile?!" Levi scoffed. "As if. Look at the caption."  
"'On a... _Brunch date_ with this _cutie_ '?" Mammon can go on dates. That's fine. That doesn't bother me! And so what if he canceled lunch with me for a date, and also lied about it? Who cares, right? Nevermind all that stuff about it being 'me and him', and him being my first pact, and...  
I snatched the phone out of Levi's hand. "Who posted this, anyway?"  
"Look!" Levi pointed to the screen.  
"RaumB4theStorm?" I read aloud.  
Levi yanked the phone - and my arm - back towards him to scroll up. "No, not that! There! Do you know who that is?!"  
"Uh..." I stared at the photo of the pink-haired demon, then at Levi's very intense expression. "No?"  
He was as exasperated over this as he was trying to explain Mononoke Land to me the third or fourth time. "That's Zaramela!"  
As if that name was going to mean anything to me.  
"The idol?!" Levi waved his free hand wildly.  
"Oh!" Now that I did recognize. "That's the one you went on an imaginary date with when you were playing with the map on your phone!"  
Levi's face grew hot. "That's...That's not the point! You expect me to believe Mammon is on an actual date with _the_ Zaramela? LOL, as if! This has to be part of some horrible plan. Maybe he's blackmailing her!"  
I'll never get over Levi saying 'LOL' out loud. I just...Can't.  
But maybe Mammon really was on a date. That should be fine, right? It's not like we're a thing. Besides, I'm just a human. He lives for thousands of years, and I...Don't. If he was dating another demon, that would be better, right? My life's probably barely more than a blink in his eye, and then...He'd be alone. My stomach twisted. Of course he wouldn't be completely alone; he has his brothers and Goldy, but...  
It'll be a lot harder to be partners in crime in eighty years or so.  
I shook my head to snap myself out of it; this wasn't about that. Levi was worried, and I needed to deal with that right now.  
"Levi, he wouldn't blackmail an..." An idol? Someone who has tons of money? "Oh, no, he would. He totally would." I put my hand to my forehead. "Mammon, what did you do?"  
"There's only one way to find out." A third voice joined the mixed, cool and collected and just a little smug...  
"Ah. Satan. I should've known you'd pop up the moment there was a mystery." Levi sighed, but then his face lit up. "Wait! You can help us figure this out!"  
Satan crossed his arms and nodded, smiling. "An investigation is the only way to get to the bottom of this. After all, only one version of events is ever true!"  
Even Levi allowed a big smile to himself as he daydreamed about a reality that wasn't this one. "It'll be just like that episode of 'Moe! The Human Realm's Shopping Secret' where they have to go undercover to find out if they've been betrayed by the rival company or not, so they use all kinds of super-spy equipment, and a robot! I mean, minus the part where Yui was out of character for, like, the whole episode, but at least it meant the subplot with the Sword of Clearance finally got wrapped up."  
"On the other hand," I mused to myself, "If I plotting with demons, I'll definitely end up back here after I die, won't I?" Was that why we kept running into dead people that everyone knew?  
All three of us had wandered off into our thoughts and, as usual, Lucifer got us back on track - whether he intended to or not.  
The door to the parlor snapped opened again, this time the other way around. Lucifer was holding a rag in his hand damp with tea, and looked over the lot of us. "...Is there a reason you're all standing in the hallway?"  
"Nope!" Satan grabbed my hand and began to haul me down the hall, with Levi trailing along behind us.  
"We'll make our plans in your room, Ari." Satan declared. I didn't even protest at this point. Everyone always ends up in my room. 

\---

We settled down in my room to talk it out, with Satan looking over my bookshelf as he considered it while Levi typed away at his phone.  
"'The quest beings! Look out @Mammoney, we're hot on your trail!'" Levi was happily typing away.  
"Wha-Don't _tag_ him!" I tried to take the phone from Levi's hand, but that's like trying to take food from Beel - impossible and dangerous. I managed to keep all my fingers but withdrew my hand for safety. "Ouch. Come on, Levi! If you warn him, he'll know that we'll...Wait, what _are_ we doing?"  
"We're going undercover!" Satan declared, and whirled around to stride forward into the center of the room, as if he were taking a stage. "I've got it all figured out. It's flawless. Levi, you said that Mammon and the idol-"  
"Zaramela." Levi supplied.  
"Yeah, sure. Anyway, I looked over their posts on Devilgram and I found a trend. Not only are they posting from the most popular locations, but at the peak traffic hours for Devilgram, too. Using that information and cross-referencing their visited locations with a map of the Devildom, I've narrowed down what I believe are the next three places that they'll visit!"  
Levi gave Satan a small, muted round of applause that I found myself going along with despite myself. I couldn't very well be the only one not clapping.  
"But...This is a kind of long date, isn't it?" I asked. "They're spending the whole day together?"  
"It is suspicious." Satan agreed with a frown and a very serious nod. "After all, no reasonable person should be able to stand being in a room with Mammon for more than approximately nine minutes."  
"That's...Really specific." I commented, but they both ignored me. "Hey, wait! I've spent way more time with him than that!"  
To that, they actually replied. Levi smiled at me and noted, "That's because you're a total weirdo, Ari. He said 'no reasonable person'."  
"He's right." Satan nodded. "Now, the plan is simple. We need someone on the inside, someone that can get close and hear what they're talking about. The solution is obvious: since they're all at date spots, Ari and I will just have to pretend we're on a date, too."  
"What? Why do you get to be the one to go on a date with her?" Levi asked, the word 'unfair' already on the tip of his tongue.  
"Because we'll need you to help us from here, Levi. Or...Your room, probably. After all, a good cover story doesn't work without research. I have a set of earbuds we'll use, and you can provide us intel from here."  
"That's...A lot for a fake date. Why do you even have-wait," There were so many questions I had about this plan that I didn't know where to protest first. "I'm going on a date with Satan?!"  
So that was pretty high on the list of things I never thought I'd have to say.  
Satan, for his part, just let out a laugh. "I know, right? Lucky you." Oh, that was definitely teasing. My face grew warm again. Shouldn't I build up a tolerance to this at some point?  
"It really is just like the episode of Moe! The Human Realm's Shopping Secret!" Levi's eyes widened. "But instead of the episode about going undercover where they found out the origin of the Sword of Clearance, it's the one where they found out Yuuki might get poached by the CEO of Human Corps!"  
"Human-what? Okay, that one's just weird. You have to know how weird that name is." I couldn't just let that one slide. What was this show even about? "Can't we just ask Mammon what's going on? I could text him right now."  
Satan shook his head gravely. "And give him the opportunity to lie to us and throw us off? Absolutely not. In fact...Levi, confiscate her phone! We can't risk a mole."  
"What?!" I tried to pull my phone out of my pocket, but found it already missing.  
And then, like a ghost in a haunted house, Belphegor was standing next to me. With one hand, pillow tucked beneath his elbow, he was rubbing at his eye and with the other, he was looking at my phone. "You're all so noisy. What is this even about..?"  
"Mammon's on a date, and we're going to get to the bottom of it!" Satan explained.  
Belphie looked at him for a few long moments, eyes squinted as he processed that, then he shook his head and dropped my phone in my lap. "Nevermind. I don't want to know. Ari, I need to sleep in here."  
"Oh. Okay." I said.  
Satan and Levi both looked at me expectantly. I sighed, then handed Levi my phone. "Fine."  
"...I really thought you were going to ask Belphie why he was sleeping in your room." Satan admitted.  
"Yeah. What if Beel went on a rampage and destroyed their room, or something?"  
I shrugged. "Eh. One plot at a time. We'll figure that out later."  
"Fair enough." Satan sighed. 

\---

"If the Devildom doesn't have winter," I stomped my feet in an attempt to increase the blood flow, "Why is it so cold?"  
"It's true that we don't get much snow or anything like that, but some parts of the Devildom are still colder than others." Satan explained. "The clothes you're wearing probably don't exactly help."  
"Asmo." I explained, and that was enough information for him to understand.  
"Ah. He would want to help you look your best. I think he did a good job, too." He smiled again.  
"Oh. Uh...Thanks. I like your...Hair." Stupid. His hair wasn't even different.  
His smile grew briefly perplexed, but then Levi was talking in my ear. I'd completely forgotten about the earbuds and jumped, startled.  
"Report in, Squad A3! Are you en route to the rendezvous point?" Levi sounded so serious that I just had to play along.  
"Sir, yes sir!" I saluted to no one in particular. This location was a park, at least, so it wasn't like there were many people around close enough to judge me.  
Not that I'd have to actually listen to, anyway.  
"Wait, Squad A3? Who are the other..?" Satan furrowed his brow, then sighed and shook his head. I'd never say it, but he looks a lot like Lucifer when he does that.  
"Well, whatever." He said. "We're at the park, is the point. Do you know where they are, Levi?"  
"Affirmative!" Levi declared. "Zaramela's instagram posted a photo approximately zero-two minutes ago of the statue on the north-east corner of the park."  
"You could just say 'two minutes'..." I murmured.  
"Hm. We'll need to start heading that way." Satan decided, then held out his hand to me.  
"You want me to hold your hand?" That was pretty obvious from the gesture alone, but I had to confirm.  
"Of course." Satan said, and smiled again.  
"Good plan. You need to really sell the cover story." Levi decided. "Satan, did you bring Ari a corsage?"  
"I...That's definitely not a thing for this situation." I said, but placed my hand in Satan's. It was a welcome warmth given the bite of the chilly air. Never again will I be tempted by sleeveless clothes!  
"We'll start walking that way. We need to look casual, or they'll notice us a mile away." Satan noted.  
"LMAO. Mammon will, you mean. There's no way Zaramela even knows who you two are. She's been my bias for years, and she still doesn't know who I am!" Levi informed us.  
That was kind of sad, so I didn't comment on that one.  
"Look! I think that's them there." Satan nodded ahead. He was right; the idol's bright pink hair was easy to pick out even amongst all the flowers in the park. She was pacing around on her phone while Mammon hung out nearby, also poking at his phone.  
So the date wasn't going well, then. How did I feel about that? I wasn't sure.  
But Levi was still talking about his thing. "I mean, okay, there was a point where I didn't really follow her for about a hundred years or so, but after the incident with the Majolish sponsorship, could you blame me? It's really hard to watch someone two the line between artist and sellout. Plus, the last time I bought a ticket to a show, she totally canceled the whole thing! It was so unf-"  
I gingerly plucked the earbud out, then slipped it into my pocket. Satan was looking at me, so I held my finger up to my lips to indicate that we should keep it a secret between us. My attention was still mostly on Mammon and Zaramela, though, and so I had no defense when Satan acted out. Because of course he did.  
His eyes glinted with mischief. "What's that, Ari? You want to _mute_ Levi?" He plucked my earbud out of my pocket.  
That little shit.  
"Hey!" In retaliation, I tried to reach across Satan to pull his earbud out, too. "Satan, give that back!" Two could play at this game, and I wasn't above lying. I just needed to figure out how to turn this to my advantage!  
Satan grabbed onto my wrist, laughing. "Come on, now. You're a human, remember? You can't move faster than me." He shifted my arm to the side, putting out faces close. "But it's cute to watch you try."  
"Uh. What the heck are you two doin'?" Mammon.  
"Mammon!" I tried to turn to face the voice, but one of my hands was in Satan's jacket pocket and the other was in his grasp, so I only succeeded in knotting myself up and nearly falling over.  
"Is this why you ain't answerin' any of my texts?" Mammon put his fists on his hips and scowled. "You two stalkin' me, or something?"  
"Actually," Satan informed Mammon with no small amount of smugness, "We're on a date."  
"A date?!" Mammon's eyes briefly widened, then narrowed again as he scowled. "Yeah, well-that makes two of us! An' she's great! Like, so great." He didn't sound very convincing.  
"Three of us." Satan corrected, clearly enjoying seeing Mammon on edge. Most of the brothers liked to mock Mammon for being a masochist, but they were all sadists, too.  
"Are you really goin' out on a date with _Satan_ , Ari? C'mon, you've got way better taste than that!" Mammon complained to me directly.  
"Uh....Yes." I answered very briefly, since I'm a terrible liar in these situations. But that was what we were here for, right? If Mammon was on a date or not, we needed our cover to find out the truth!  
Mammon tapped his foot impatiently. "Is this 'cause I canceled our lunch plans? Haven't you ever heard of rescheduling?!"  
"Uh. Satan? Can you let me go? I'm going to fall." I tried to change the subject. This was all a horrible idea, and I really needed to learn to say 'no' to these things. Then again, not saying 'no' was what got me to the Devildom, wasn't it? And in a pact with Mammon...  
"That's fine if you fall, Ari. After all, I'm here to catch you." Oh, Satan was absolutely milking this to get under Mammon's skin, but what could I do about that? And Mammon was on a date, too, anyway. What did he care?  
But he did care, in his own weird way.  
"And Ari, what's that crap you're wearing?" Mammon huffed and shook his head. "Some date you are, Satan. You just gonna let her freeze to death, or what?" He took off his jacket and put it on my shoulders, maintaining eye contact with Satan the whole time. I could almost see the spark between their gazes.  
"Oh. Uh. Thank you, Mammon." My face was burning again; his hands were still on my shoulders.  
"It's not like I'm givin' it to ya." Mammon informed me. "This is a rental only, and it's two thousand Grimm an hour! You'll hafta figure out how to pay me back later."  
I really should have seen that coming.  
"Hey, what's with that face? That's a great deal!" Mammon insisted. "If anything, you should be glad I'm giving you such a discount! C'mon, I bet your hands are cold, too." He reached out to try to pry Satan's hand from mine in a very blatant manner that Mammon, at least, probably thought was subtle.  
"Mami?" A new voice cut into the conversation - a curious, less mocking one than any the brothers tended to have. "Who are your friends?"  
"Mami?" I echoed, staring at Mammon.  
He flushed and rubbed the back of his neck. "Hey, I told ya, it's Mammon! None of that 'Mami' crap..."  
"Hello." Satan greeted her politely, one hand pressed lightly to his chest. "I'm Mammon's brother, and this is...Gee, Mammon, what _is_ Ari to you?" He was doing it again. He grins like a cat when he's being an ass.  
Mammon scowled again, still flushed. "Why do you gotta say it like that?!"  
The woman blinked at the exchange, then apparently determined that I was the responsible one of this group - oh god, am I the responsible one? - and looked to me for an answer.  
"I'm Mammon's...Friend." I offered.  
"Hey, come on! You don't have to undersell me like that!" Mammon complained. "Partners in crime, remember? Your best pal, your first pact, your _hero_?"  
"I mean, the rest is fair, but where does the 'hero' part come in?" I asked, arms crossed.  
"Mammon," Satan input dryly, "You're on a date."  
"What's your point?" Mammon asked, ever oblivious.  
"You're on a date, and you're just gushing about how close you are to Ari." Satan tried to spell it out more blatantly. "Now who's a bad date?"  
Mammon flushed again. "Hey, you! That's not...Shut up!"  
"Asmo was right. Your vocabulary is getting worse." Satan sighed as though this were some great tragedy. "I'd say that we should get you a dictionary, but maybe if we don't help, you'll just stop talking some day."  
The brothers kept bickering, but my gaze was on Zaramela. She was taller than me, and so pretty. I could see why he'd want to go on a date with her. And she seemed pleasant enough, too, with that patient little smile. Whatever was going on here, if she really did like Mammon, then maybe he'd be okay. Maybe it really was a date, and I should just-  
"Oh, it's not." She said, and I nearly jumped out of my skin.  
"Wh-what?"  
"It's not really a date." She said.  
"Can you...Read my thoughts?" I asked, somewhat stupidly, apparently, because she laughed.  
"No. Well, maybe, but I wasn't just now." She cast me a playful wink, and I felt more blood rushing into my face. "But your face is very easy to read, you know?" She looked towards Mammon and Satan, and I followed her gaze to find the two of them in a scuffle. Well, scuffle was a nice word for it; Mammon was trying and failing to get Satan in a headlock.  
They weren't paying attention to us, was the point.  
"I can't say I see the appeal," She noted, "But I'm glad there's someone looking out for him. He seems like he needs it."  
"He looks out for me, too." I mumbled, because I don't like when people get the wrong idea about that. "He's always there when I really need him, and he's never even hesitated when it comes to trying to save me, and..." A dumb smile was on my face, but I just couldn't wipe it off. "And sometimes he calls just to hear me talk, or I'll realize he's just watching me at breakfast and smiling, and then of course he has to do something stupid and dramatic to get the focus off of it, so one time he flung his scrambled eggs at Lucifer and blamed Beel, which was the easiest story to poke holes into - why would Beel throw food?! - and he's...And..."  
And I have to go back home in less than a year, and I'll probably never see him again.  
"And...We're..." I trailed off.  
"Partners in crime?" Zaramela supplied gently.  
I nodded. "...Yeah. Always."  
"It sounds like making a pact with you has done a lot of good for him." Zaramela observed.  
"He told you about that?" I mean, of course he did, when he was complaining, but what she said sounded like she knew more.  
"Oh, I won't get into the details of that. Date conversations are private, you know. Even if they're about someone else."  
Great, now she was teasing me, too.  
"But...Why are you on a fake date?" I asked as Satan and Mammon fought over trying to dunk each other in the park fountain. At this point, I was barely even keeping an eye on them, which is always a mistake.  
"My publicist thought it would be a good idea." Zaramela shrugged.  
"So you...Paid...Oh." He'd said he had a modeling gig this morning! Of course he had! I put my hand over my face. "This is the modeling gig. He told me about this." But he hadn't said it involved fake dating an idol! Why wouldn't he tell me that?  
"Maybe he was worried you'd take it the wrong way." Zaramela suggested.  
"It was all over my face again? I had it covered that time!" I complained.  
"Oh, no." She laughed, "I was reading your mind that time."  
"Wh-"  
"Or was I?" Zaramela made a dramatic hand gesture, and I laughed.  
"Okay, but...Is going on fake dates normal for an idol?" I asked instead. "And with Mammon?"  
"Oh, I don't know." Zaramela shrugged. "But my numbers dropped a little, and that always makes my publicist nervous."  
"They dropped?" I repeated, curious. "Why?"  
"Oh. Well, I canceled a show, and...You know how the public is. If you aren't constantly giving them something, they just..." Zaramela trailed off, a melancholic look in her eyes that hurt my heart.  
"Zaramela...Do you want to talk about-" I started to reach out for a heart-to-heart, but she cut me off.  
"Oh, hold on, dear. You've got something on you. I think it might be a bug...?" She leaned forward and brushed her fingers across my neck, which combined with the knowledge there was a bug on me elicited a nervous, high-pitched noise that carried even with my mouth clamped shut.  
At the sound, both Mammon and Satan stopped what they were doing and looked over as if they'd only just remembered me, Mammon soaking wet and in the fountain.  
"Are you two done?" Zaramela called out as she deposited the insect into a bush. "It's almost time for lunch."  
"There's no way they'll let me in like this!" Mammon complained, sidling over to me. "Look at me!"  
"And you're all wet, too." Satan agreed with a smirk.  
"Well, yeah, that's what I meant! What do you mean-Hey!" Mammon scowled as he caught up to the insult, then looked to me with the most pathetic face he could make. "Ari, do you hear what he's sayin' to me? To me! And now I'm all cold, too."  
I knew this whining. This was 'I want something' whining.  
"You want your jacket back?" I guessed.  
"No! I mean, later, sure. And with interest. But doncha have any weird human tricks to warm me up?" He stepped closer, head tilted down and looking up at me through his eyelashes like a puppy.  
"Are you really that jealous?" Satan asked with a shake of his head. "And that shameless, too. Ari isn't your steward, you know. Or did you forget you were on a date again, too?"  
But he wasn't. And Satan didn't know that - or he probably did, and was just enjoying seeing me figure it out, more likely - but most importantly, Mammon didn't know that I knew.  
"It's okay." I assured Satan and reached up for Mammon's head to gently pull him close and stroke his hair. "You poor thing. Today must be really hard on you."  
"Wha-...Yeah!" Mammon was surprised but easily lulled into safety. "Exactly."  
"You had to give me your jacket, you've had to pose for so many pictures, it's just exhausting." I reasoned, still petting his hair.  
Mammon lowered his head onto my shoulder and let out a little contented sigh. "Yeah. I got places in my feet that hurt that I didn't even know could hurt!" I could feel his hands wrapping around my back as he made himself comfortable.  
"And," I paused, curling my fingers in his hair to pull him back and look him in the eyes, "And you lied to me about your date."  
Mammon's eyes widened in panic, then narrowed in annoyance again. "You...You really play dirty, you know that? You're worse than Lucifer!"  
I let go of his hair with a little laugh, which both confused and concerned Mammon.  
"Uh-oh. Do you laugh when you get, like, really mad?" He guessed.  
"No. It's just funny; we were lying, too." I told him.  
"And you were gonna give me crap about it? What a bunch of hypocrites! But...Wait. Why were you two-"  
"It doesn't matter." I should my head, then put my hands on Mammon's cheeks to make him look at him. His skin grew hot under my fingers. "Mammon, think about it. We _both_ did that. We're...We're idiots. Why are we like this?"  
Mammon started to protest that no, he wasn't an idiot, but he thought through it and briefly made an uncomfortable face that then swapped to realization. He grinned at me. "Y'know what that means?"  
"That we're quite a pair?" I guessed.  
His blush intensified. "What? I meant 'I'm not in trouble'! You can't punish me for something you did, too!"  
"Aw, Mammon." I squeezed his face, then let it go. "I don't have to. You just got your nice jacket wet by hugging me."  
"Wh-hey! That thing's expensive!" Mammon complained. "Ya couldn't have thought of that before-"  
"And Lucifer asked about the fire this morning, so really it's only a matter of time before he traces it back to you." I finished with a shrug. "And it's not like I can do anything that'll compare to that, really."  
Mammon's expression fell. "I...I have to skip town. I've got no other choice, I-"  
"Seems like a good time for all of us to head home!" Satan declared, clapping his hands together with a smile.  
"No! You can't make me!" Mammon tried to dash away, but Satan caught him by his collar.  
"I thought you weren't scared of Lucifer?"  
"I'm-I'm not!" Mammon insisted.  
"Then we can go home. You can get a change of clothes, and you and Zaramela can finish your little shoot while I treat Ari to lunch."  
Mammon grumbled but trailed along with his hands shoved in his pockets.  
On the way home, I side-stepped to walk alongside Satan. "Hey..."  
"Hm?" His smile said he already knew what I was going to ask.  
"How long did you know?" I asked.  
"Oh, the whole time." Satan nodded. "It was obvious, really. But we had fun, didn't we?"  
"Is that why you set all of this up?" I asked. "Did you finish your book or something?"  
"I did! I needed something to do with the rest of my day." Satan agreed. "And there you were! Besides, sometimes Mammon needs a...Nudge."  
"Or to be pushed into a park fountain?" I guessed.  
Satan laughed and nodded. "Exactly."

\---

We'd barely stepped into the House of Lamentation before we heard the booming, powerful call of "Mammoooooon!"  
"Looks like Lucifer knows we're home, huh, Mammon?" Satan asked gleefully, but Mammon had already vanished.  
Zaramela laughed to herself, but she covered her mouth to smother it.  
"You're allowed to laugh at him." Satan informed her. "I'll go make sure he doesn't, uh...Miss anything." Like Lucifer's wrath.  
Which left me with Zaramela.  
This was my chance.  
Once we'd found a place to sit - some chairs in the front hall - I immediately dug in. "Why did you cancel your show?"  
This time, I actually surprised her.  
"Why did...Oh. Were you going to go? I'm sorry."  
"No." I shook my head. "I've never even heard one of your songs."  
Her confused and conflicted expression said that hadn't been the best way to say that, but I had my priorities.  
"When you said that earlier, you looked so sad. I want to help you. If you want to talk about it, I mean. If you don't...I'll just pretend I didn't see it."  
Zaramela blinked at me a few times, then smiled to herself and shook her head. "Mammon was right. You really are something..."  
My face flushed again, but I tried to focus on steady breathing to get through it. I'd master this at some point, damn it! I couldn't live out this whole year with a red face!  
Luckily, Zaramela decided to talk about it. "Did you ever have a dream when you were a little kid?"  
"I wanted to be an astronomer," I answered immediately. "And then I found out how much math it has. So that didn't work out."  
Zaramela gave me another puzzled look, but this one was at least marginally amused. "...Well, I've always wanted to be an idol. It was my dream, and I worked so hard to get here. My shows are sold out, I make tons of money, I have so many fans, but..." Her smile faded and she shook her head. "That night, I was going to have the show and I just realized, 'I don't want to do this.' So I didn't. My staff was furious, but I'm starting to wonder if...Maybe this isn't my dream. One the other hand, this has been what I've been working for my whole life. I can't just start over now."  
"If you aren't happy, you need to figure out why. If this isn't your dream...Maybe something else is." I murmured. "Maybe you just need to try new things to find it."  
"How would I even find out what it is? Idols don't exactly have a lot of free time." Zaramela sighed.  
"The dates!" I leaned towards her as the realization struck. "You can use the dates!"  
"You...Want me to go on more dates with Mammon?" She asked.  
"Or Satan, or me, or whoever." I waved my hand. "That's not the important part. The important part is that you can do new activities in the dates, like festivals and street vendors and ice skating and-well, maybe not karaoke, but you can try new things like that, right? I mean, it won't give you the opportunity to try _everything_ , but...It's a start."  
Zaramela stared at me long enough that I grew uncomfortable.  
"Uh. Sorry. If I made any assumptions-"  
"No, no." She interrupted me. "You're right. That's...That's a good idea. You're very passionate, you know that?"  
I don't think that's what people would have called me a year ago, but I nodded anyway. Living in the House of Lamentation has meant making a lot of adjustments...And finding out that I have dreams, too.  
"What are they?" She asked. "Your passions, I mean." She had a coy little smile now, clearly challenging me to guess if she'd read my mind or my face.  
"Oh. Uh..." Don't say Mammon. Not Mammon. There are other things. There were tons of other things, like...  
"Mammon's back!" Mammon declared, but in a whisper and directly beside us. He plucked his jacket off of my shoulders to put it back on himself.  
"Gah! You-why is everyone sneaking up on me and pickpocketing me today?!" I complained.  
"And why are you whispering?" Zaramela inquired.  
"Oh, uh, no reason. But we should really get going, like, now." Mammon glanced down the hall, then down to his hand as he found something in his pocket - one of the earbuds. When had I moved that to the jacket pocket? I took it out of his hand.  
"Do you hear Lucifer? You'd better go!" I informed him.  
"Actually...I had an idea." Zaramela cleared her throat. "Why don't we go...To a street vendor? All three of us?"  
She smiled at me, and I smiled back.  
"Oh! That's a good idea. Folks'll eat that up on Devilgram!" Mammon snapped his fingers.  
"I was supposed to eat lunch with Satan, and I don't have my phone." I couldn't really text him about it.  
Those were definitely boots further down the hall. Lucifer!  
"That's fine, you can use mine!" Mammon grabbed my hand and yanked me towards the door, leaving Zaramela to follow us, laughing. 

\---

"Mammon, what's your passcode to your phone?" I asked as we waited in line. There were all kinds of vendors lined up, like an impromptu food festival. Zaramela was wandering between the stalls, learning more about each one as she went.  
"Huh? Why do you need that?" Mammon asked, somehow offended even by this.  
"Because I need to text Satan about missing lunch with him? You literally gave me your phone for this." I reminded him, holding up the phone with the lockscreen up. Of course the lockscreen photo was the love of his life, Goldy. How had he even gotten a professional portrait of a credit card?  
"No need." Satan strode up to us and gave Zaramela a nod in greeting. "Levi updated me...On everything."  
"Oh, no." The earbud was still on, and it had been running and in my pocket the entire time. I was going to have to sort through all the things I'd said in front of Levi later, I realized.  
"What? What's goin' on?" Mammon asked.  
Satan shook his head, smiling. "Nothing you need to worry about. Isn't that right, Ari?"  
"Uh, right! Yes. Absolutely." I said.  
Then something ridiculous happened, as usual. Everything was nice and calm, and then there was danger and a huge mess.  
There was a screech, then a truck tearing down the street.  
"Jeez! Is he drunk?" Mammon asked. "And he's coming this way!"  
"Wh-Ari!" There was real panic in Mammon's voice, but I was already running forward.  
"Zara!" She was in the way! I grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the street.  
The car crashed...But further down the street, into a lamp pole. Zaramela was safe, and so was I. She was looking at me with wide, shining eyes...  
"Ari! You okay?" Mammon rushed over even though he'd seen the whole thing and knew perfectly well I hadn't been hit.  
"Zaramela?" Satan inquired, redirecting the question.  
She nodded mutely, probably still in shock over the whole thing. Her gaze was still on me.  
Mammon, annoyed at being ignored but satisfied that I wasn't dying, looked over the damage instead. "What a mess. The truck fell over, and there's food all over the street...Guess we better call Beel."  
"Then we'll have to pay for it all, too." Satan observed. "We may still have to if the driver claims the crash had anything to do with Zaramela."  
"Jeez. You should've just let the truck hit her." Mammon sighed.  
I was horrified. "Mammon!"  
"What? She's a demon, she'd be fine!" Mammon insisted. "Just 'cause you humans are so squishy doesn't mean the rest of us are, ya know!"  
"That isn't important! You don't just say someone should have been hit by a car!" I insisted. "Apologize!"  
"What? No way!" Mammon scoffed.  
There was that glint in Satan's eyes again. "You know, it's probably better that he doesn't. The sooner you realize what a scumbag he is, Ari, the less the rest of us have to worry about you making any poor decisions with him..."  
"What does THAT mean?" Mammon demanded. "Since when have we ever made any bad decisions?"  
"Aside from the coat closet thing? I just mean, Ari might make some questionable choices and mischief with you, but at least she knows better than to _date_ a jerk." Satan shrugged flippantly.  
Mammon's eyes widened and, for just a second, I thought I saw...Pain?  
"Hey," I interrupted, "Mammon might be a bit of a scumbag, and a liar, and self-serving-"  
"If this is s'posed to be a compliment, can you skip the part where you insult me more? Nobody said anything about any of that!" Mammon complained.  
"-But that's not all there is to him." I insisted. "He's my best friend for a reason. Because you're also my number one guy, right, Mammon?" I smiled at him, and Mammon beamed back. "Partners in crime!"  
"Yeah! Of course!" He agreed.  
Satan sighed and shook his head. "I think you've forgotten that you were just chastising him..."  
"...Right. Mammon, I'm still disappointed that you'd say something like that...And that you wouldn't apologize." I told him.  
Mammon blinked, then looked over to the food truck, face tinged red again. "Man," He muttered, "You really do play dirty." He tapped his foot a few times, then sighed. "Fine! Fine, but I don't wanna hear about it ever again, okay? I'm gonna make this one really count, and that's it!"  
He walked over to Zaramela and, to my surprise and even dropped to his hands and his knees, head touching the ground.  
"He...He didn't need to do that." I laughed uncomfortably.  
"He's a pretty dramatic guy." Satan shrugged. "But it's like I told you; sometimes he needs a nudge. Sometimes it's into a fountain. Sometimes it's in the heart."  
"LOL, adding that to devilgram for sure!" For the hundredth time today, one of the brothers was next to me with no warning. It was Levi, snapping a picture of the scene with his phone. "'@Mammoney #dogeza #mynewbackground'," He recited as he posted it. "This is gonna go so viral."  
"Levi!" I laughed way more nervously this time. "Hey, look, it's your idol! Aren't you excited to meet her?"  
"Wow, you're trying really hard to get rid of me." Leviathan informed me with a big smile. "I wonder why..?"  
I cleared my throat. "So, uh, I...Okay. I kind of forgot that you were, uh, listening earlier. So, about the things you might've misheard-"  
"Oh, LOL. Yeah right. I've totally got a transcript." Levi laughed. Satan on the other side had that cat smile, too.  
Maybe an interrogation by Lucifer hadn't been that bad, really. At least there was boiling, unsweetened tea instead of...Whatever this was.  
"How did you know where we were?" I asked instead.  
"Oh, that's kid stuff. Mammon's phone has a tracker on it! Lucifer set it up, like, ages ago." Levi took the phone from my hand and popped in the code. "The last four numbers on his credit card, obviously. See? That app, there."  
But I wasn't looking at the app. Mammon's phone background - not his lockscreen, but the home screen - that wasn't a picture of Goldy. That was a picture of us.  
"Hey, Levi! Don't think I didn't see you taking that picture!" Mammon called out as he stormed over. "And-hey, stay out of my phone!" He snatched it out of Levi's hand.  
I stood there, flustered and stupefied, until Zaramela cleared her throat. "Ari?"  
"Oh! Hey, yes!" I snapped out of it.  
"I think I decided what I want to do next," Zaramela explained with a nod. "Today has been a lot of fun, and I feel like I've learned a lot."  
"Yeah? That's great!" I smiled at her again.  
She nodded. "M-hm. And that's why...I want to make a pact with you!"  
"What?!" Mammon yelped. "No! Absolutely n-"  
Satan put a hand over his mouth, then nodded at me to proceed.  
Watch out, Solomon, I'm coming for your seventy-pact record!


End file.
